I don't have a CLUE
by therealme1123
Summary: Max gets the bambi eyes and Nudge throws a murder mystery party... and wackinesss enues! Maybe some Fax or... the dreaded Fassa! maybe more.... GASP! NO IGGY, NOT THE MOP! Read to find out more.


A/N: Hey, y'all! I know, I said it'd be up a whole lot earlier, but well… I'll spare you the details… please read and review! And also, please read the story " Into the Phoenix- dark version". I wrote most of that, but since it was aviator301's idea, he posted it. So, yeah. I think that's about it. Oh, and by the way, it may not sound too much like a parody right now, but give it time… it'll get weirder.MR

MPOV

Why do I let Bambi eyes affect me? Oh, I remember now, because… nope, I got nothing. So then let's ask yourself this question, Max, is it a good idea to let the Bambi eyes affect you? Answer…wait for it…NO! Not a good idea, especially when it's Angel and Nudge asking to throw a murder mystery dinner! And, you know what's even worse? It's inviting the neighbors, and my parents, as well. So now, Iggy's pissed cause he has to either cook loads or find a decent caterer, Fang's pissed cause he hates parties, and I'm pissed cause I let the Bambi eyes get to me yet again!

But that doesn't stop the party from happening, and, even in the nice house that Jeb bought for us (out of guilt, no doubt), it took a while to get everything together. All that's left is choosing the characters and getting dressed. Nudge insisted in putting the mystery together by herself, and then we were supposed to randomly pick our character from a hat. So wonderful, isn't it?

" Come on and pick, Max… the paper doesn't bite!" The overzealous girl whined as I pickily addressed the hat filled with colored card stock. I was debating if the color of the card represented the character, and if they did, I wanted a color that represented ME, not some prissy little pink or something, but more of a vibrant, sassy color. You know, like me. I fished through the papers in the hat, and pulled out a card, finally. It was scarlet, and it said "Scarlette" in big black lettering. " Isn't this a character from that Clue movie you insisted on renting? And that game you HAD to have?"

Her eyes bulged and she made an overly emphasized shake of the head. " No," she said, making the word stretch into a polysyllabic word, and then she turned to walk on down the hall, handing me an envelope that said "Top Secret" on the flap.

I looked down at down at it, and walked into my room before opening. It said:

" Miss Scarlette,

It is a matter of great importance that you make it to dinner at 41 Oakcrest Drive on May 15 of this year, because a long-standing financial liability will finally be resolved…

Who you are:

You, Miss Scarlette, are the owner and operator of a very small business in Washington, D.C. You are wily, snarky, and sometimes rude, but never to anyone's knowledge. You wear mostly long slinky dresses, because it reflects your work (cough, cough) and you should be very protective of your personal space.

What you know: You're here for a dinner party. That's about it.

What you won't tell: You're in the business of and , and you don't want to be touched unless you're getting paid. You know Colonel Mustarde, and Miss Peach, from some business ventures. Evette, the maid, works for you, and you know that she's the person who ratted on you to your blackmailer. You also don't like Mme. Rosaline, because she's after the wealth of M. Noir, an old flame."

WHAT! Okay, I know that this is supposed to be pretend, but… " NUDGE!"

" Yeah?"

" How do you even know those words?"

" I looked them up in the dictionary."

" They're in the dictionary?!"

" Umm… was I not supposed to say that?"

Wonderful. Just wonderful. I want to go shred the dictionary now… is there even a paper shredder that huge? I thought about that for a minute, and decided that I needed to get dressed, because we all know I don't have enough to deal with. I walked into the storage closet, knowing that that's where I kept the (this is your queue to gasp) dresses. And I found Iggy kissing a mop. Next to my haute couture! No way. " Yes. Yes. I love you. Mmmm."

" God, Ig. That's a mop. I know you're blind, but you don't have to be THAT desperate…"

" Right, that's what all the salespeople say. But do I believe them. No-o." What is with people and the stretched out "No"s? I got tired of standing there, so I grabbed the mop, and whacked him with the soft end of it until he walked away… Guys. Stupid, stupid guys. I picked out a green dress that really looked good on me, and I made my way to the bathroom, which was currently occupied by Fang… why would Fang be in the bathroom? I mean, he normally just uses the darn toilet, and gets it over with, instead of taking freaking ever! I don't think I'll get him… or Ig…crazy, stupid guys.

FPOV

I was in the bathroom, trying to calm down about the character choice, and I wanted to know who had gotten what, cause well… I was freaking out. I mean, it said I had to pretend to be in love with somebody… two somebodies… what if they ended up being Nudge and Angel? EWW! Gross. I didn't want to think about that… and, more importantly, what would I WEAR? Good god, there's got to be a million things TO WEAR and I can't think of ANYTHING! I'm turning into Nudge… Good God, I'm turning into Nudge, over a freaking PARTY! I HATE parties. This is too confusing. I looked at the note again.

" Monsieur Noir,

You are a wealthy entrepreneur who's come to America for a vacation. Or so you say. You're being blackmailed, because of your long lines of illustrious affairs with teenage fan girls. You are dating Mademoiselle Sophie Rosaline as a pretense to keep your real life out of the papers. And we know this, but you have been invited to dinner at 41 Oakcrest Drive on May 15 of this year, because a long-standing financial liability will finally be resolved…

Who you are (really) but will never say

You, yourself, are a gambler and a really dishonest guy. That's how you've made all your money, but nobody knows that that's how you've made millions in the manufacturing industry. You've been known to cheat your partners, both in business and in your love life, and that's how you get to Mme. Rosaline and Miss Scarlette. Miss Scarlette is an American. She's said to run a nasty business, but you looked beyond that and found the person who spied during the war and still found time to work. She's a hard-working person that you admire and love, but she's not the person for your image. You're engaged to Mme. Rosaline, but she's really not your type, and you're not sure how to break it to her that you don't want her after your money. You had it set up so that Scarlette saw you and Rosaline together, and she left you for that reason. You've regretted it ever since. But you can't get too close to Scarlette, and you know that. So be very careful. Very, very careful."

Fun. Max knocked on the door, and I was pretty scared about who she got…

NPOV

I, the wonderful Nudge, walked towards the stairs to the main hallway, grinning evilly as I went, glorious hat of devious torture in hand. I suppressed the need to cackle as I came up to Angel, my partner in crime. " You see this, it's my coolness spiraling from my overly cool core!"

" Right, Nudge, and I'm the overly pink one."

" Right."

" Wrong."

" Don't be dissin' the coolness… oh wait, that's right! You're blind to the coolness."

" And why would I be blind to the coolness? " She paused for a bit before adding, " Why do I even ask?"

Angel threw her hands up into the air, as I answered, " Because you're blinded BY the coolness. To the coolness, by the coolness. You are so totally missing out. Cause I'm so totally cool."

" Right. So don't I get to pick who I am now?"

" Sure. This is your hat." I handed out a black top hat I had collapsed and stashed in my jacket.

" You actually did THAT part of the plan? Okay, now that's cool. I can't believe you think you're surviving this."

" It's the coolness. Definitely the coolness." Again Angel scoffed at the coolness, but it's MY overly cool coolness. MINE. I cackled now as the resolve to stay quiet dissolved, and when I finished, I heard Gazzy from behind his door whispering, " My precious... My precious…" I wonder who he's talking to.


End file.
